After our last failed cycle using our last two frozen embryos, we decided that perhaps using our own genetic babies wasn't going to result in holding baby number 2 for us. We found out after discussing our openness and desire to use donor embryos with our doctor that they actually had 2 donated embryos that they would give us, even though we weren't at the top of their waiting list. So within a week of our last failed cycle I was back onto our 8.5 week med protocol. On June 4th we put those little loves in and prayed for a positive outcome. We had an initial blood draw 6 days post transfer and it showed HCG (pregnancy hormone) in my system. We were cautiously excited! Our second blood draw (the official test at 9 days post transfer) still showed HCG, but the numbers hadn't risen properly...a sign that the pregnancy wouldn't continue. Three days later we had another draw and my numbers had dropped...showing the pregnancy for sure would was ending. They call it a chemical pregnancy, which is just a really, really early miscarriage.
Disappointment. Grief.
This one was a major disappointment, they all are. But this one stung even more. In fact it was downright heartbreaking. The way it all came together made it feel so right; so perfect. I fell in love with those little frozen babies from the time I heard about them. I was so ready to be their mommy and so grateful for this gift from someone we had never met. I cherished every minute they were with me, and just as with all our other losses, they will always have a little piece of my heart.
So now what? Onward and upward, friends. All we can do is choose to rejoice in our current circumstances and trust that God has a plan. Our attitude will not change our present situation, so we are choosing joy and moving forward with anticipation. There are so many incredible ways to grow a family, and we will continue to press on until we feel our family is complete...although I will say with every passing failure, I do become more and more comfortable with the idea of staying our sweet little family of three. We sure are blessed to be such a wonderful trio!!
SO while we are officially taking a little bit of time away from IVF medications (oh boy am I ready for that!!), we are pursuing another dream. We are pursuing our dream of becoming foster parents. We have always dreamed of fostering, we just planned to do it "once our family was complete." However, it's becoming more and more apparent that perhaps God's vision of complete and ours is different, and so we are no longer pushing off the call in our hearts to help little loves in need of a loving place to go. We have started the process to get certified and are excited to see where it takes us, and who it brings into our lives. Right now we are mentally preparing ourselves to foster for the sake of fostering, but are open (and excited!!) to foster to adopt if God presents that opportunity for us. All we know as of now is that we have a call in our hearts and a lot of love to give, so we are ready for whatever God has planned through the process.
We will keep you posted on this new journey in case it can help others who are looking at options to grow their family or looking to help other families in need.
And as a last note...I heard this song on Monday for the first time, right before we got the confirmation that the pregnancy was ending. It brought my heart a lot of joy and peace. I'm so thankful for songs that perfectly encourage me in times of heartache!
Two verses are my favorite are:
In my wrestling and in my doubts
In my failures You won't walk out
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea
AND
I won't fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I'll rise and sing
My God's love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea
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