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Yesterday, I had clinic for the first time since I got out of the hospital in mid-September. They'd like me to come to clinic more often, but with the frequency that I do clinical drug trials, I always have a pretty good idea of where I stand PFT wise. I don't know about all of you, but that's definitely the part I always look forward to come clinic time. I must add however that I'm certainly not doing what's best for me or best for my clinic. It's obviously a better situation if they're able to track me more closely and if you want to get down to the nuts and bolts of it - it's better for the center. Every CF clinic relies on outside funding to stay afloat, so the more patients they treat, the more money they get. If I'm not going to clinic, I'm not getting counted, therefore they don't get all of the money they deserve (do you see where this is going?). If they don't get the money they deserve, it not only affects me, but all of my great friends, including the doctors, at my clinic. Get it? Got it? Good! As promised, I showed up to clinic yesterday looking forward to what they had to say. I've been off of my game for quite some time now because of all of the bleeding, so it's always a touchy situation heading in to see the docs in that condition. Like I told them, it's not that I feel terrible, it's that I haven't been able to "do me" for almost 3 weeks now. By that I mean I haven't been able to be as active and workout like I'm used to and it can obviously catch up in a fairly short time. I saw them 2 weeks ago (at a drug trial) and expressed to them that other than coughing up blood, I felt pretty darn good. I wasn't very tight, my cough was stable, my mucus was clear and my energy was up. Yesterday I had to report that the blood is still an issue and now the 3 weeks of not working out is starting to catch up to me. I find myself tighter than usual. My mucus is becoming thicker. My cough is deeper, yet it's harder to move the gunk out. The sucky part is, I don't feel it's a result of CF as much as it's a result of me not being able to keep CF in check. And that is very frustrating.
I'm a "let's solve the problem" kind of a guy instead of sit around and talk about it. This happens to translate very well to my CF life as I'm able to look back on the past and pick out stuff that's worked for me health wise and stuff that hasn't. Once I identify what works, I don't go on and on about what I should be doing or what I wish I would have done, I strap up my boots and I go for it. Right now, I find myself in a situation that I can't "go for it" and it pisses me off. My bleeding has become so frequent that I'm not able to do full strength Vest treatments. When I bleed, I stop Pulmozyme for a bit and I stay off 7%. Exercising is out of the questions. Do you see how this can be a problem? Talk about a better way to feel worse! Believe me, this is it.
Some of you are probably saying, "well, why don't you get your butt into the hospital then???". To you I say, you guys are 100% correct. I present myself as a no-excuses kind of a guy and I feel like a hypocrite for putting it off. But part of who I am is to be open and honest with this blog and use it as a way to hold myself accountable. An even bigger part of that is acknowledging when I'm going against my own advice and call myself out on it. So that's exactly what I'm doing. Let me be loud and clear, I should be going into the hospital and nipping this whole thing in the bud. I should put my health before all other things I have going on, because without my health, I have no other things. I should stop, listen to my body, and take care of this bleeding issue so I can get back on the road to booty kicking.
With all of that said, let me tell you why my hospital stay is being delayed. I want to be a daddy. Mandi and I have been going through the IVF process for a good two months now and it's getting into crunch time. "My part" is coming up in the next 10 days and I have to be available when I get the call. Depending on how Mandi's body responds to those big old shots we started giving her, I could be called for my sample anytime between February 5th to February 10th. It's kind of hard for them to take my baby batter out (if you were unclear) up here in Phoenix if I'm down in the hospital in Tucson. And even more important to me than that, 6 days after they get my sperm, they will be implanting an embryo into my wife. Every piece of my being wants to be there for her on our special day. I realize that the creation of our family is very unorthodox and it's not just a matter of a bottle of brandy and a hot tub, therefore, I want to be as much a part of this as possible. Make sense? Maybe not to you, but I know to us it's very important.
So there you have it, an update from clinic. As always, could be better, but it could be worse. I'd love it if you guys could keep us in your prayers for the next few weeks. Please pray that my bleeding lessens and that my health holds up until I can get into the Hole. Also, please pray that the rest of this IVF process goes smoothly and, God willing, we're able to start our family. Thank you guys so much for your support, your prayers and the continued reading of this blog.
