Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Trusting in His Will

First of all, happy belated V-day to all of you lovebirds out there. Mandi and I had (and I quote myself) "a day just like any other day, only today I got you flowers". Mandi said it was "perfect" therefore, I shoot, I score. Anywhoo, as most of you probably know, we had our embryo transfer on Monday and now we go into the waiting phase of this ever so lovely IVF game. I know that Mandi shared with you guys some of her feelings so I wanted to do the same. I'm not a big "feelings" guy, but many of you expressed how helpful it is when we really share our mindset throughout this whole process. I figure it can't hurt anyway.

Let me set some background. From the very beginning of this IVF process, all we've ever heard was "you guys are going to do great". This I'm sure was for a multitude of reasons, but it often came back to Mandi's age and the fact that, as far as they could tell, she had no infertility issues of her own. You would have thought that this was all just a formality and we could start decorating the nursery after our very first appointment. I can tell you this (and I think it probably rings true for a lot of women out there), when you have a wife who may have trouble managing her expectations, it's actually not what you want to hear. Since the beginning of this whole process I've been very aware of the fact that we could very easily get ahead of ourselves only to be hurt and let down in the end of this. The fact is, when going through the IVF process, couples have a better chance of "failing" than they do succeeding. Our doctor is one of the best in the state (statically speaking) and he still only turns in a 67% pregnancy rate, and please notice that doesn't say live birth rate. Needless to say, the odds were against us.

Knowing the struggle and heartache that could come upon us throughout this process we knew that we needed someone to lean on. The great part is that we're both blessed with incredible families and happen to be pretty connected with a very loving and embracing online community full of peeps that we have had the privilege of getting to know these last couple of years. Having those type of connections are great to have in our back pocket, but we knew we needed someone that was always going to be available for a chat or had a big enough shoulder for both of us to lean on. And thank God, we knew just the guy...literally, thank God.

We've turned this entire process over to Him. He knows the desire of our hearts, but the fact of the matter is, His desire is always perfect and ours is not. We've been in prayer with Him daily just asking that His Hands be all over this thing and that He would grant us a peace that passes all understanding no matter what the outcome. Now, it's much easier to throw out prayers and write blogs about this topic than it is to actually live it out. I think Mandi eluded to that a bit when she shared with you her moment of just needing to be alone in the bathroom after we got our embryo results. The great part about it is that we know we can't rely on our own strength to get through this, no matter what happens. No babies will be extremely tough. Babies will be extremely tough. I often hear people say "God will never give you more than you can handle". This is not only NOT in the Bible, it's just simply flies in the face of a sovereign Lord. God will give us more than we can handle if for only the fact that we're reminded that we must lean on Him and draw from His strength to get through it. If we were never given anything "too big" for us, than what's the point of having a Savior?

Point is, I'm sure glad we handed all of this over to Him. When the doctor showed us a sheet full of embryos that "didn't make it" I felt like all of my strength had been taken from me. The old expression "wind out of my sails" couldn't have painted a more perfect picture. But, just as quickly as I felt that feeling, a new and much more powerful sense took over, a sense of peace. And clear as day, and almost in an audible voice in my head, I started to hear a prayer that Mandi and I had prayed literally every day since this process began. "Lord, please provide the exact number of embryos that you would like us to have". We knew that number could be 10 and it could be 0. I then nodded my head and said to Mandi, "He wants us to have two". Here's the thing, He may provide more later and He may not, but right now I believe with 100 percent certainty that God provided us just 2 embryos out of the original 15 because that's exactly how many are perfect for us right now. My God doesn't make mistakes.

We could also come out of this whole process with no babies. That will of course be another blog for another day were that to happen, but I'm very comforted in another truth that I know about God. My God doesn't waste pain.