Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Disappointed in...

I had a clinic appointment yesterday as a 6 week follow-up from being in the Hole. I didn't go into it thinking my PFTs were going to be awesome, but I didn't think they would be bad either. I was right. And sometimes, I hate being right.

There were a couple reasons I thought this:

Mckenna came down with Influenza A a couple of weeks ago, and although I avoided the full on flu, I definitely developed a cough that still hasn't gone away.

I was particularly tight yesterday. I'm not sure if it was because of dust in the air or some other environmental factor, but it definitely wasn't "just CF". My cough is generally fairly dry, but yesterday it was tight and dry. Glenda could hear it in my cough and was not at all surprised by my numbers.

Those are pretty good reasons for my lower lung functions, but, and this is a big butt, I mean but, those were in no way the biggest contributing factor to my lower lung function.What those are are excuses. They just happen to feel a little better cause it happened to be out of my control. They'd be reasons if I didn't know this...

The biggest reason my lung functions were down was because, get this, because of me. 

I've been doing a really good job at getting all of my treatments and then some in each and every day. I have however only been doing an average at best job getting in all of my workouts. Now, I'm active everyday without fail because of the many walk we take with Mckenna, but that's just simply not enough for me. If I expect good lung function, I have to do more.

I can't settle for only running 2-3 times this week like I have the previous month. I can't go to the gym only 2-3 times a week and expect my FEV1 to increase. Some people out there may do great with that amount of work, but for me, it's not enough.

How do I know? Because I've put in way more work in the past and have had way better results. It's not the lung functions that I'm so much disappointed in, which by the way were 67% down from 74%, I'm disappointed in my focus and effort. 

I know I can do more. I know my priorities have been shifted over the last month or so. I know that I was more worried about running being hard than I was about the results. I was focused more on how tired I was rather than how much more energy I feel when I'm consistent with my runs. I thought about how cruddy my lungs felt before the run and not how great they feel after. I was focused on all of the wrong stuff.

When it comes down to it, it's not about me. It's not about how I feel. It's not about what I think. 

It's about them. It's about the two people on this planet that keep me going. It's about the commitment I made to my wife. It's about the commitment I'll make to my daughter when she's old enough to hold me accountable.

I know what I need to do. Now I just have to do it.

I need to remind myself every day that it's not about me, it's about what I do, and who I do it for.