But my feeling after watching this Bachelorette finale has been different. Sometimes when you watch stuff like that you think, "man, I wish I could relive that moment in my life," or "Gosh I wish I could remember more vividly that time." It always seems so perfect. Like a fairy tale that never exists in reality. But for some reason I didn't think that at all. I couldn't help but feel so blessed for where we sit today. Our life isn't what I used to picture as "a fairy tale". In fact, being married and a mom is what I pictured, but beyond that my life looks different. The big stuff is different than I pictured. I didn't picture living in Arizona. I didn't picture being married to someone with a chronic illness. I didn't picture getting pregnant in a room full of people. I didn't picture my parents living far away. I didn't picture having to work instead of being a stay at home mom. The little stuff is even different. I didn't picture running on little sleep, even with a 9 month old. I didn't picture being a terrible house keeper (yeah, I'm not good about cleaning since Mckenna came along). I didn't picture my life as it is today at all.
But man am I glad that God is in charge of how my life looks today, instead of me. My life may not be "perfect", but it's perfect for me. Ronnie and I note how blessed we are several times a week, and generally the comment is made during or after a situation I never would have picked for myself. A perfect example is my little night monster. We haven't blogged a ton about it, but Mckenna isn't a great sleeper. She never has been. She still wakes in the night, whether it's to eat (although I just re-weaned her...yes, RE-weaned...it's been quite the process) or just to cry for a few minutes before falling back to sleep. Her sleep has been such a cause of anxiety for me. I actually used to have serious anxiety every night after putting her down, anticipating the long night I was going to have ahead; trying to push aside hopes of a good night because usually it wouldn't meet my expectations. I still have some anxiety. I certainly never pictured that night time would be such a battle, filled with hours each night (yes, HOURS) in a glider with Mckenna for months upon months. I would be lying if I didn't look at other people's "perfect" sleepers with envy most days. But I'm so blessed to not have it MY way. God gave me Mckenna HIS way. God blessed me with hours each night of quite time, alone, with my daughter. My daughter who never sits still, who's always too busy and active to want to me held and snuggled in the day. God blessed me with snuggles in the stillness of night, just me and her. Calm. Cozy. Bonded. And while I'm a bit exhausted now, I am certain I will look back and miss those nights, and see what a picture perfect real life fairy tale they were.
This is just one example in a series of hundreds. Everything in my life, whether I realize it or not at this moment, is just as it should be. My life is full of uncertainty. Everyone's is. And I often struggle with that. I'm a planner. I'm a control freak. I have pictured all these things that will never come to fruition. But what I have just realized, is that my biggest blessing in life is that many of my dreams will never come true. My dreams are not what's best for me.
My fairy tale lays in God's plan for my life.