Monday, October 7, 2013

We're Not Pregnant

...Well now that that's out on the table, I should explain...

We said we would give IVF updates when it felt right, and well, now seems like a good time. Since our break early in the summer, we got back on the wagon. We did a frozen cycle. A similar protocol to another we had done with an added medication. Thankfully, this time we actually made it to transfer, which we are really thankful for (what a blessing to have found a protocol that works for us). We transferred two perfect-looking, little loves on Friday, September 27th.

Unfortunately we learned today that it didn’t work and we are not pregnant.

It is tough news to hear. There have been a lot of tears. It is hard to devout your life to trying to have another baby for nearly a year and to again get devastating news. It makes me sad. It adds to the fear that this may not work for us again. It brings the realization that I may never carry a baby again closer. It breaks my heart to know I may never feel little kicks again. It makes me regret not committing those last few kicks from Mckenna to memory a little more. All of those things flood my head as I consider the fact that we have now used 4 of our 6 embryos, and that we are running out of chances. It hurts.

Yesterday at church we had a guest singer, JJ Heller. She’s a Christian artist who is phenomenal. JJ Heller is a favorite of ours. I actually labored with Mckenna with her music on in the room, and Mckenna was born with it playing in the background. In the first weeks and months of Mckenna’s life I endlessly listened to and sang her song “I Get to be the One”…about the blessing of getting to be the one to raise your child. Yesterday she was at our church for the first time in years singing a song of hers I had never heard before called “Who You Are”. When she started singing, I started crying. The song starts, “all she wanted, was a baby to hold…” I lost it. Knowing my test was today, and knowing that God had her at our church yesterday, I knew this was a song for me. The song continues, “…she’s praying, ‘I don’t know, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I know who you are.”

There are no truer words. As the song says, “sometimes life doesn’t make any sense.” Sometimes we don’t understand our circumstances. Sometimes we wish we knew why. But I realized today, my job isn’t to know the why. I will never know some of the whys in my life. And that needs to be ok. The only thing I need to know is who my God is. And my God is ALWAYS good. The only thing I need to focus on in this situation is Romans 8:28:

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, and who have been called according to his purpose.”

So while my mind wants to race to the why’s of the past, the pain of the present, and the possibilities of the future, I am choosing to still my thoughts and pray, “I don’t know what you’re doing, but I know who you are.”

As for our plans moving forward, we need a break before trying one last time with our remaining two embryos. I don’t know how long we will wait. I’m hoping sometime in the next months or year, there will be a time that just feels right.

But to end this blog on a lighter note,  I leave you with a break-up letter I’ve written to IVF:

Dear Invitro Fertilization –

We need to talk. Please know what I’m about to say is out of love, and it will probably hurt me more than it will hurt you, but it has to be said.

I need a break.

It’s not you, it’s me. We’ve been back together for 11 months, and well, we just aren’t working right now. And please hear me when I say it’s not you. You are great. I love and respect you. You are so good, and I’m constantly amazed by you. But we just aren’t good for each other right now. Over the last 11 months, you’ve driven me crazy. When we’re together, I’m always weepy, emotional, and snappy. And honestly, I need a break from all the drama you bring into my life.

And this isn’t a break up…but a break. I need some space for awhile. I love you. Afterall, we have one child together. Let’s take this time to improve ourselves. You get better at all that you do, and I will take this time to focus on me. I want to train for new things, lose some of this fluff you’ve helped me gain, and most of all, get back to my normal self mentally and emotionally.

This isn’t goodbye, it’s see you later…