Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The Gift We Were Given

Yesterday, we learned that our final two babies that we had recently transferred into Mandi had not implanted and therefore, we are not pregnant. In the last year and a half, we have lost 6 babies through the IVF process and each one was tough to handle. There is definitely something though that feels different when its your last two. It feels much more final. The pain is a bit deeper. The stress is a bit more. The questions are many. The solutions seem far too few.

While Mandi was getting the blood test yesterday, I took Mckenna to her dance class at the local rec center. We had a great time dancing and playing with the other children. It was at the end of that class that I received the one-worded text that made my stomach drop: Negative.


Throughout the process, we knew this could happen. We knew that we could spend hundred of hours, thousands of dollars and more emotional capital then we count and end up with, well, nothing. Nothing but bruises from all of the shots. Heartache. Questions. And a feeling of "where do we go from here?". Even though we were prepared, you never quite know how you'll react when you hear the news. Fortunately for me, I received the text message with a little gift by my side saying, "Daddy, who's that?"

It still hurt, but I was IMMEDIATELY reminded that our one success absolutely dominates our 3 failed cycles in every way imaginable. I would welcome the emotional and physical pain of IVF every day for the rest of my life if it meant that I had Mckenna as my daughter. What we have as a result of IVF and God's provision trumps, in a big way, the loss that we've experienced as a result of IVF.

As I walked Mckenna out of her class, I couldn't help but experience the joy that I experience every day by being able to be her daddy. We have been blessed beyond measure and are thankful every single day for our family. Is it a family that we would love to grow? Yup. Does that growth need to take place through IVF? Not necessarily. Does God already have our story written? He sure does. Am I thankful that He placed Mandi and Mckenna as two central characters in my story? More thankful than I would ever be able to put into words.

And finally, as we were departing the building, I shared the news with a girlfriend of Mandi's who has been very aware of our journey this far. She was eager to hear the results and was also saddened by the news. When I told her the results were negative, her response was about just as perfect as could be...

(While looking down at Mckenna) "Makes you realize even more how much of a miracle this little one is."

Yes it does. Thank you Jesus.