Monday, March 31, 2014

I'm the Child. He is the Father.

Having a child has taught me a lot about God, and my walk with Him. I see through my relationship with Mckenna, a lot of ways God must see me, as His child. He loves me unconditionally and cherishes me more than I can fathom. I love much in much the same way, and always have her very best interest at heart, even when it makes no sense in her young brain. The other day, she really wanted candy. But I didn't want her to have any candy. She had a major meltdown. And I get it. Most days she gets some kind of sweet treat, but there are conditions (she often doesn't know them). I watch to make sure she has eaten enough real food at meals. I change my answer if I know for dinner we are having something like fast food. I see the big picture of her nutrition for the day, and I give her what she can have based on that. In her knowledge of the world, she only sees a fraction of what goes into my decision making. So sometimes she just doesn't understand why she can't always have candy. It's confusing that my answer isn't always the same. But one day, she will get it.

Today we found out that our final IVF cycle, with our remaining two embryos failed. We are not pregnant. This is obviously devastating. I cried, a lot. I felt angry. I feel confused. I honestly want to throw a toddler-sized tantrum. You know the kind where as an adult you kind of chuckle at how ridiculous the kid looks? I really don't understand why or how we went through 6 great embryos over the last year and a half and are still not pregnant. It doesn't all come together in a pretty little picture for me. It's not a neat and tidy clear-cut plan at this point from what I understand and see. I'm Mckenna wanting the "candy". I want the "candy" I got to have our first IVF cycle, and I don't get why I can't have that "candy" again, and I don't get why the answer is different this time.

But here's what I do know. I know that this is one of those circumstances where my relationship with Mckenna is much like God's relationship with me. God knows the bigger picture. He's basing His answer and His plan on much more than I know right now. I'll get it one day. His plan ties together nicely. It's neat and clear-cut from where He sits. I am just not abreast to all that is factoring into His plan. My "candy" tomorrow may not be the same "candy" I got before.

So in my devastation and heartbreak I'll rest in that. As I mentioned in a previous post in the last couple weeks, we have a motto around the Sharpe household: God is always good. God is good when things are awesome. And God is good when things suck majorly. But His goodness does not change with my circumstances. We know He is good and that He has a plan. Please be praying for peace and clarity as we move forward.

I will leave you with this..This song always brings my soul so much comfort. My two favorite parts are these:

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

….We are in deep waters now, folks. It's scary, but are trusting Him.