Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I'm Sick and it's My Fault

So I head in for some PFTs today (just as a formality) so I can get myself a bed in The Hole ASAP. I've definitely taken a hit this last month with my overall health. If you remember my post from last week, my PFTs were also down about 10% from last month and I'm having hemoptysis. I knew that I was going to have to get in sooner rather than later, but I was hoping to hold off until after Thanksgiving. It's gotten to the point though that I know damage is being done and now I just have to nip it in the bud. The biggest problem has been my lack of energy. And with me, a lack of energy can be a killer...well, let's hope it's not that bad :)

Everything kind of slowly goes downhill when I start missing my runs and workouts. With all of the traveling I've been doing lately, my schedule has been all over the place. I mean, I brought my running shoes to Dallas with me, but did I use them? NOPE. And that's completely on me. I can't blame lack of time. I can't blame weather. I can't blame how I feel. There's nothing to blame but the guy I see in the mirror everyday. Cause here's the deal: I've managed to run when I had even less time, there was worse weather AND I felt even crappier. So there is only one thing left to blame: Ronnie. I've made choices over this last month that have allowed my lung function to slip. I could have pushed harder. I could have scaled back on work. I could have went to bed earlier. There's a million things I could have done differently, but I chose a different way.

Now I have another choice to make: I can sit here and sulk and wonder how things would be different without CF or I can learn from how I'm feeling right now and realize that I don't like it and I CAN control the outcome next time. I'll pick option number two. If I sit around and wonder why, I'll be wondering the same things on my death bed. I don't see the point in asking a question that really doesn't have an answer...and to be frank, if it did have an answer, I wouldn't care what it is. All of this "feeling sick" crap is what actually makes life even more interesting for me. With everyday that passes, I'm learning a little more about myself and my opponent. The fact that I get to face a "challenge" everyday is something that I thrive on. It drives me like you would never believe to prove all of the statistics, numbers and nay sayers wrong. If I lose this challenge, I can guarantee you it won't be Cystic Fibrosis' will be mine.