Monday, February 21, 2011

The Waiting Game

Tomorrow's the day. The day that has seemed to approach in slow motion. The day that I have waited for for the last 8 weeks....shoot the last 24 years. Tomorrow is the day I get my blood drawn to see if I'm pregnant or not. Ahh...just typing those words makes my heart race and my palms get sweaty (sorry keyboard!)

Ronnie wanted me to post today to share my thoughts this last week - probably because he wants me to have something other than him to use as a sounding board for my ramblings. I will share my thoughts with you, so that if you're ever going through this, you know that it's "completely normal".

I have felt just about every emotion in my arsenal of emotions over the last week...and thanks to these hormones I'm still injecting, I've felt all of them back to back like a bipolar maniac. The beginning of last week I was doing well. My belly was still super bloated, the recency of the transfer was still fresh in my mind. Those little embryos felt so real, so close. I KNEW that they were both in there. I knew they were just floating there and felt like if I talked to them and if I prayed enough, I could convince them to stay (or convince God to let them stay). I was sure it was going to work. The pregnancy test felt so far away, but I wasn't impatient because I KNEW what the result was going to be. I KNEW I'd be pregnant.

As we got further into the week, that certainty and the closeness of the transfer, all started to fade. I couldn't picture my babies inside me as vividly. Doubt began to creep in. What if I'm supposed to be feeling more? What if they don't stay? What if I'm not pregnant? I began researching on the internet like crazy. I googled how I should be feeling. I googled how others felt. You know what I found? I found everyone's symptoms, each different from the previous. Some people with no symptoms at all. "This is Stupid," I thought. I would vow to stop googling. Only to start researching again a few hours later. I would vacillate. I would go from confident on minute: "Of course I'm pregnant. It only makes sense. The odds are in our favor." To completely scare: "What if I'm not pregnant? What would be the next steps?"

To add to the nervousness and emotional roller coaster, my bloating started to get better. HOW CAN THE BLOATING GET BETTER? Everything I'd read is that my bloating would get worse if I got pregnant. Granted, my doctor and nurse said that I had very mild OHSS and that it would likely get better a few days after the transfer, but still. I couldn't help but let it mess with my head. Now, I still have some bloating - my mid section is a solid 2 inches bigger than normal - but it's not as bad as before, and it's certainly not worse. I have continually reminded myself that my doctors thought that I'd likely get better soon, and I've been praying like crazy to not allow me to become more bloated and uncomfortable. Could it be that this is just God answering my prayers? I continually reminded myself that He was likely just guiding this process like He has this whole time.

SO that brings us to this weekend. This weekend has been the continuation of the roller coaster, but I've been slightly more confident. I've found myself less anxious - although not by much. As Tuesday draws nearer, the wait feels more bearable. "I can wait a few more days," I tell myself over and over again.

All in all, I can easily say that this has been the longest 8 days of my entire life - and we still have 1 left. Thanks for all the love these last few weeks - we can't thank you enough! We'll let you know in Wednesday's blog what we find out!