Question from Reader: When Cystic Fibrosis Impacts Our Relationships

As you guys know, I love answering questions on topics I have experience in. I've been blessed to have had many great relationships in my life, and now, I'm able to call the most awesomest girl on the planet MY WIFE (still can't believe it)! We all know that cystic fibrosis can impact our relationships - both positively and negatively. This particular question comes from a fellow fibro who was recently heart broken when his girlfriend of 6 months decided that CF, and the possible implications and impacts of the disease, was more than she could handle.

Hello Ronnie,

I have cystic fibrosis as well. You have been a huge inspiration to me both physically regarding CF and spiritually. I apologize for not introducing myself sooner.

However, the reason I am messaging you is because I have a broken heart. My girlfriend of 6 months told me this evening that she could not see herself marrying me because if we had children (through assisted fertilization) I might die before they get a chance to grow up. We have had that discussion  before and she was devastated but I thought she had come to accept it. For the last month or so she has been saying that we need to break up and she would never give me a reason and her actions contradicted her words of "we need to break up" because everything she does indicates she still wants to be with me. Tonight she finally broke down and told me its because she doesn't want kids to grow up without a dad and also the fact that intro vitro fertilization (sorry if I misspelled anything, my knowledge on the matter is limited) is so expensive.

Is it wrong of me to expect her to be okay with the unsure future? I'm devastated.

I have come to you seeking advice because I know you have been through this, you have a beautiful daughter, and your life example (through my perspective on Facebook) leads me to believe that  you have the experience to help me.

Sorry to hear about this [name withheld]. I can only share with you my own experience and hopefully it can help a bit.

Very early on in our dating life, Mandi caught me off guard by saying, "I wouldn't marry you unless I was totally comfortable with being a young widow."

I was shocked that she would even think about this, but, that's because I don't have an "outsiders" perspective, and frankly, I'm a man. We men generally don't think for the future, we think for the present. Women on the other hand are wired a completely different way.

It takes a very special woman to commit their lives to a man with CF. Our life is simply different. There are sacrifices we have to make as a couple that no other couple has to worry about. And, there is the prospective of an untimely death that would leave them all by themselves for an undetermined amount of time.

So, to answer your question - Yes, it is wrong of you to expect her to be comfortable with being a young widow and/or a single mother. Most girls won't be comfortable with that. Is it a reality that it could happen? Sure. Are we planning on it? Absolutely not!!

Her worry about IVF being expensive is just noise and her grasping at straws. You can figure out the money part.

I'd be thankful that this is only coming down at 6 months into the relationship. I understand that the pain is real, the hurt is real and you're not feeling great, but it could have been much worse. Imagine if you were engaged when she realized this?

Sometimes, God places something on the heart of the girl who is wrong for us. The wrong girl needs to be out of the picture before the right girl can enter it.

One week before I met my future wife, my girlfriend and I of over 2 years broke-up. I wasn't happy about it at the time. But, looking back, I thank the Lord that He ended that relationship when He did.

Hope this helps and please let me know if you have any questions or comments.

Early Thoughts on Marrying a CFer

I was contacted earlier this week by a girl that is dating a CFer. She asked how I deal with everything that comes along with dating someone with CF, namely, the possibility of sickness and death. It was a good opportunity for me to put into words what I've thought for so long regarding that issue. Ronnie and I talked very early on about those possibilities and I had a very set way I required myself to think about it all before I would marry Ronnie. Here is my exact response:

"Let me tell you, first and foremost, I am still learning how to navigate all of this myself. Ronnie and I have been together for a little over 1.5 years, so I am relatively new to the game. But it is something I am getting comfortable with.

Here are my thoughts on all of it. Initially, it was scary. Ronnie and I talked very early on about the possibilities. We talked about the uncertainty that comes with CF, and not only death, but the hospital bouts, the good and bad days, etc. I learned early on that CF was something he felt was a blessing in his life and I would need to adopt the same perspective if this was ever going to work. I then began to think about life as a widow. As in, if Ronnie were to die in the early part of our marriage, how would that be for me. How would life look? How would I choose to move on? Would I be able to pick myself up? Would I be happy? These were all important questions for me to answer. Ronnie and I truly believe he is here for a purpose and that he has CF for a reason, and when he is done carrying out his purpose, he'll die. Ronnie has been comfortable with the thought of death and with God's plan for his life, so I knew that if I were his wife, and lost him, I would NEED to continue to have that attitude. I told him that I wouldn't marry him unless I KNEW that I could stand up the next day, put a smile on my face, and look people in the eye when telling them that Ronnie's life was just as it was supposed to be and that I trusted God's plan. So I quickly worked to get my thinking aligned with that so I knew that I could carry on Ronnie's attitude after he died. I don't know if that makes any sense, but that's where I am with all of it.

I still struggle. I cry at the thought of it. I get choked up when I think about it. I get choked up talking to others that have lost a spouse to CF. But I truly feel any amount of life with Ronnie is worth it to me. There is a huge religious aspect of this for me and Ronnie, and I'm certain that helps with my perspective. I don't know where you stand on religion, but I know that it is what really brings me peace with all of the uncertainty. I know that I'm being looked out for and watched over, so I feel as if everything that comes my way, good or bad, in sickness and in health, it is all part of a plan."