From the Top of the Rollercoaster

As you have probably seen scattered here and there in posts, we are getting licensed to be foster parents. I'm not sure what we shared about this, so I'll lay it all out there...

Ronnie and I have both always felt called to fostering. We talked about it while dating and continued discussions all throughout our relationship. I have family friends who have fostered and adopted a huge family, Ronnie's cousins have fostered and adopted several kids, and we have friends who foster. We always discussed fostering "when our family is complete." Even after getting pregnant and having Mckenna, it was always "when our family is complete." Even through the first year and a half of our IVF journey to baby number two, it was "when our family is complete."

Well after our failed cycle this summer, we both felt God was saying we shouldn't put off getting licensed any longer. We had a set expectation of what our "complete" family was going to look like. And this summer I really started to think that maybe my version of our "complete" family, wasn't God's version. Perhaps our family wasn't going to be completed the way I thought. We both felt God was saying not to push off the call on our hearts for some self-imposed milestone. We aren't done trying to have biological kids, but we decided that our vision of when we would foster should be reworked. So we started the process.

We have friends and family in the area that have fostered, so we asked around and found a wonderful agency. From there it was lots of paperwork, 10 weeks of classes, lots more paperwork, a homestudy (just lots of interviews that our licensing worker writes up about us), and a home inspection by the state. It's been a long road, but I'm happy to say that as of last Thursday, our application for a license was submitted to the state, and we should hear any minute that we have our license.

Gulp.

That means this is really happening. I have to tell you...when we started this in June, it seemed like an eternity away. And when we submitted our application last week, I kind of felt like I was going to have a panic attack. You know that feeling when you are really excited to ride a roller coaster, and then when it's slowly climbing up to the peak at the beginning, your heart starts racing. With each eery "click", you can feel your stomach rise higher into your throat. Click....click....click. And then, you're at the top, looking down at the ground, and you have that moment of "oh crap..." right before you're hurled down for the most fear-filled yet thrilling ride of your life? That's pretty much exactly how it feels. This is a journey that we are stepping into knowing it will be the ride of our lives.

One of the first things people say when they know you're going to foster is that they never could do it. That it has to be so hard to take a child in, bond with them, and then say goodbye. And I totally get it. I don't think I can do it either. I love kids. I love babies. You could hand me a baby tomorrow and say, "it's yours." I wouldn't think twice and love him/her like I had carried him/her for 9 months. I honestly don't know how you say goodbye to a little one that you've loved and cared for. But, I know that while I can't, I know that He can. God has placed this call on our hearts. And I know that He can walk us through the hard parts. I know that He has created each of us, Mckenna included, to be able to navigate through and flourish while carrying out this call. So while I stare from the top, panicked and scared for the plunge, I am feeling at peace knowing that God will walk us through this.

So please pray for our family as we step out in faith to carry out the most challenging, yet rewarding, journey we may ever do together. We are so excited...and scared...but more excited!!

The Gift We Were Given

Yesterday, we learned that our final two babies that we had recently transferred into Mandi had not implanted and therefore, we are not pregnant. In the last year and a half, we have lost 6 babies through the IVF process and each one was tough to handle. There is definitely something though that feels different when its your last two. It feels much more final. The pain is a bit deeper. The stress is a bit more. The questions are many. The solutions seem far too few.

While Mandi was getting the blood test yesterday, I took Mckenna to her dance class at the local rec center. We had a great time dancing and playing with the other children. It was at the end of that class that I received the one-worded text that made my stomach drop: Negative.

Ugh.

Throughout the process, we knew this could happen. We knew that we could spend hundred of hours, thousands of dollars and more emotional capital then we count and end up with, well, nothing. Nothing but bruises from all of the shots. Heartache. Questions. And a feeling of "where do we go from here?". Even though we were prepared, you never quite know how you'll react when you hear the news. Fortunately for me, I received the text message with a little gift by my side saying, "Daddy, who's that?"

It still hurt, but I was IMMEDIATELY reminded that our one success absolutely dominates our 3 failed cycles in every way imaginable. I would welcome the emotional and physical pain of IVF every day for the rest of my life if it meant that I had Mckenna as my daughter. What we have as a result of IVF and God's provision trumps, in a big way, the loss that we've experienced as a result of IVF.

As I walked Mckenna out of her class, I couldn't help but experience the joy that I experience every day by being able to be her daddy. We have been blessed beyond measure and are thankful every single day for our family. Is it a family that we would love to grow? Yup. Does that growth need to take place through IVF? Not necessarily. Does God already have our story written? He sure does. Am I thankful that He placed Mandi and Mckenna as two central characters in my story? More thankful than I would ever be able to put into words.

And finally, as we were departing the building, I shared the news with a girlfriend of Mandi's who has been very aware of our journey this far. She was eager to hear the results and was also saddened by the news. When I told her the results were negative, her response was about just as perfect as could be...

(While looking down at Mckenna) "Makes you realize even more how much of a miracle this little one is."

Yes it does. Thank you Jesus.

Julie Montes - You Will Be Missed, Friend.

I don't do many memory posts (I believe this is my third one ever) on this blog, but after the recent
death of a cyster that I spent plenty of time with roaming the halls of University Medical Center, I felt compelled to. And it's funny, I don't feel compelled to because I think it will make any difference in her now awesome life, I'm not so sure she'll read it, but I'm doing it for me. Maybe that's why we all do it though? I don't know. I wasn't planning on writing about her or her death until about 3 minutes ago when this overwhelming feeling came over me that I needed to say something. I needed to write down what I remembered of her and needed to put to paper the different things about her that are currently making me smile.

Julie Montes was one of the softest, most gentle-hearted and loving people that I'm come to know within the walls of the hospital I've been going to my whole life. We saw each other very infrequently outside of those walls, but within them, we always connected. Conversation never waned, and although I hated seeing her under those circumstances, I was always eager to stop by her room for a chat when I saw her name on the "big board".

The first thing I noticed about Julie every time that I saw her was her eyes (I'm sure I'm not alone in this). It wasn't because of the physical presence or look of her eyes though, but because her eyes always told her story. You could see how she was feeling, or what emotion she was either exuding or holding back just by looking at her eyes. And when I picture her eyes now, I see a smile. Even though it was rare that I saw her smile, sense it was usually covered by a mask, I saw her smile through her eyes. She smiled a lot. She giggled often. Being in her presence always made me feel happy. That's just who she was.

I don't mourn her death though. My heart certainly breaks for her husband, friends and family she left behind, but I know that we are all currently celebrating the life she lived and more importantly, the life she lives now. Like me, Julie was a servant of Jesus Christ. We had many wonderful conversations about our mutual faith and both trusted the Lord fully with what He wanted to do with our lives. Although Julie was called Home much earlier than any of us wanted, her Father wanted her back. She was ready to go.

So Julie, tell Dad I said hello, and if you could, put in a word for me that I'm not quite ready yet. Thanks. You will be missed....but I will see you again, friend.

I Choose to Look Outward

So, I don't really ever go into detail about my faith on this blog or do too many scripture quotes (although I hope it apparent that I'm a Jesus freak), but after my bible study this morning, I wanted to write about what I read.

These verses in Romans 4:19-21 in particular caught my eye and got me thinking. They say:

"¹⁹ Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. ²⁰ Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, ²¹ being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."

Let me first give you just the quick backstory...

The "he" in the verse above refers to a man by the name of Abraham. Abraham was a great man of faith and ended up being used by God in big, big ways. God promised Abraham that he would have a child with his wife Sarah. Now, at face value this seemed like a pretty crazy promise since Abraham was about 100 years old and Sarah was well past her child-bearing years. So what did Abraham do? He simply believed God would do what He said He would do. Abraham didn't focus on his present circumstances and weigh them against God's promise. He simply turned his focus completely outward to the God of the universe while ignoring any inward struggle his circumstances may have provided. If you know the full story of Abraham, you'll know that he was not a perfect man, not even in this regard, yet God still used him and counted him as righteous to be the "father of many nations"(the simple fact that God never seems to choose people who have it all together to accomplish His Will encourages me every single day).

So, why did this verse stand out to me this morning? I don't really know. Maybe it's the fact that there have been times in my life where it seemed that because of my present circumstances, there was no way that God could use me to accomplish great things. Maybe it's because I feel so strongly that God has His Hand directly in my life guiding me through daily decisions that will ultimately lead to me being with my family for a long, long time despite what the statistics say. Maybe it's because I was told that I would never be a father, yet I had a desire to be a father at a very young age, never doubting that God would provide me a family. Maybe it's because my whole life someone has reminded me that the "median age is this" or the "life expectancy is that", but God seemed to always remind me that He was bigger and more powerful than any disease life could throw my way. Maybe it's because any time I start thinking that my God doesn't care, is too busy or maybe even to small to deal with the circumstances in my life, He always shows up in a BIG way.

Here's what I know. I serve a God that keeps His promises. I serve a God that promises that His Will will be done. I serve a God that uses the imperfect, the sinners, the diseased, the outcasts, and everyone in between to do His Will. I serve a God who can use a disease to accomplish His Will. I serve a God who doesn't waste pain. I serve a God who is not done with me yet.

"When there is no contest, it is true, no one, as I have said, denies that God can do all things; but as soon as anything comes in the way to impede the course of God's promise, we cast down God's power from its eminence." - Calvin

My prayer is that I can become even more encouraged by the fact that God has me right where He needs me. I pray that instead of focusing inward on my present circumstances, I can turn my focus outward, and have my faith strengthened knowing that God keeps His promises and has the power to overcome anything that this life has for me. I hope that I'm a man that trusts God in all of my circumstances, not just when life is good, but when life throws me a curveball...or a disease.

Bible Beliefs on Facebook

We all know I like to discuss a wide-range of topics. One of these topics, and by far the most important, is Jesus - Who He is, Who He is not, etc. Had a great number of questions, thoughts and counterpoints thrown my way (which I love) and my response ended up being a blog-like response, so I pulled it over here.

Here is my original post on Facebook:

From a Gallup poll of self-described Christians (in America):50% don't believe in the existence of Satan33% believe Jesus sinned while He was on earth25% dismiss the concept that the Bible is accurate in the principles it teaches
That's a dangerous road to go down my friends...

Of course, their were some who agreed that was dangerous and some who did not. And because FB is FB, it grew into a larger discussion about a variety of theological topics. Through my answers, you can probably glean what the questions were. If you cannot, click here.

I must point out that I am no Bible expert. nor God expert. My thoughts on this do come from my own study of the Bible and teachings that I have received for the past 3 decades or so. I will certainly give you my true belief on all of your points, but as always, I encourage you to challenge and study up on anything I say.

I agree with you that we will never know the FULL character of God until we are in His presence, but with that said, He has certainly revealed everything that we need to know about Him to develop a personal relationship with him. When people speak about "the mystery of God", they're not so much speaking of the unknowns of God, but the knowns of God that we will probably never be able to understand (eg. God's omnipotence, omnipresence, etc).

Totally understand you giving up on reading the Bible because of it's difficulty. I think the toughest part about the Bible, is that it's essentially a history book, that without cultural reference, is tough to piece together. Just like I was taught history in school, otherwise I would have never been able to tell you have of what I learned on my own, I always found it less frustrating, and more effective, to study/read the Bible with someone or with the help of some sort of guide, or commentary. I find myself always trying to challenge what certain commentary says with Scripture alone, and it always ends up strengthening my faith. I never just take so and so's word for it (or at least try not to). When studying the Bible, I always let the clear (what is easily understood or plain), trump the unclear. If God said it, I take His Word for it.

Yes, humans are flawed, for sure. Here's the thing though, the prophecies that Christ filled from the Old Testament, in His life throughout the New Testament would be nothing short of a mathematical miracle. Statisticians have run the number and essentially said that it would have been impossible for Christ to do what He did, no human has or could come close to replicating it. I agree, no human could. Thankfully, I don't serve a human. Why do I bring this up? Because it's all about Christ. That's Who it began with and that's Who it will end with. So, you can have a relationship with Christ, and still be skeptical about man's ability to write the Bible. I would however challenge you to develop a relationship with Jesus first, study His Word, and then reevaluate what you feel about the Bible. I must warn you though, to develop a relationship with Him, your going to have to get to know Him, and the only way of doing that is through Scripture and prayer. If you try to get to know Him outside of Scripture, you're making up your own Jesus. Jesus already gave us an entire book on Who He is.

I would also encourage you to look up what happened when they found one of the early manuscripts of the book of Isaiah (Dead Sea Scrolls) and compared it to the Bible we use today. I'll give you a hint, nothing substantive has been changed. There is no human telephone game that could have accomplished that without God.

Comparing Eve to the writers of the Bible is like comparing apples to oranges (pun intended)  They are alike in this however: She was a sinner, yet God used her for her purpose. The writers of the Bible were sinners, yet God used them for their purpose. Ultimately, they were all used for God's purpose, and super awesomely, that includes us. Remember, the writers of the Bible simply wrote down what they saw, experienced, touched, felt and were told. Any chance that God could have directed the events they 
witnessed and/or were told?

As always, I welcome your thoughts and challenges.

My Daily Bread

It's almost embarrassing to say this, but it's probably been at least a year since I've carved out time in my schedule to dive into the Word. Yeah, I read a handful of daily devotionals each day, but it's been quite a while since I've read the Word of God each day. Like many things, my alone time with God would come and go - On one day, off two; On three days; off four. One thing is for sure - I wasn't showing with my time how important the Word of God is to me and how I earnestly try to apply it to my life.

It seems I've been much better at carving out time for work, exercise, treatments, Mckenna, Mandi etc (which, please understand, those are all important), but developing my walk with Christ was more of a "hopefully I get around to it" kind of a thing.

Well, that changes now!

I finally realized that the key to my personal time with God was to treat it more of the way I treat exercise, and that is, knock it out sooner rather than later. With exercise, I'm MUCH better at getting to the gym 6 days a week, if I go to the gym sometime before noon. After noon most days, I start to feel a little more lethargic and the last thing I want to do is bust my booty in the gym. I thought, if that works for exercise, it must work for God, right?? ;)

Starting yesterday, I'll be setting my alarm for 4:45am and spending my first waking hour with God. This move mind you is WAY overdue.

As I've gotten older, I've become much better at allocating my time to the things that are truly important in my life, and this is probably the last stone that was left unturned. I can't tell you exactly why it took this long, but maybe through some Scripture reading I'll figure that out. Ha.

Anyway, please pray for me as I form this much-needed habit. Pray for strength, purpose and clarity in the morning...oh, and pray that my coffee maker doesn't break ;)

Did God Give Me Cystic Fibrosis?

Once in a while I get questions that really get me thinking. This was such a question. I'm no theologian or Bible scholar, but I have a deep love for God and believe in His deep love for me. I also don't think He makes mistakes. Most importantly, I don't think I need to know all of the answers. I only need to know one thing...God is in control and His eternal plan is a perfect one.

Question: 

I just finished having a really deep intense discussion with my 14 year old son (with CF) about God. Little by little he has started to share with me his doubts about God. After much probing by me I realized that some of his doubts are coming from the fact that he doesn't "get" how God who is suppose to be loving gave this disease to people. I answered his questions as best I could.  

You seem to have such a strong faith now; did you ever question if there was a God and how people could have this disease? If so how did your questions get answered?Any insight is appreciated!

That's a tough one. My perspective on this may be a little different though...

Problem is, I never once thought the CF was a terrible disease. I simply was raised to believe the opposite and my mom did a great job of always pointing out the opportunities that CF afforded me (I'm not saying that you're not doing that). She was always quick to point out the man that CF was molding me into. Quick to remind me of all the people I would have never met had it not been for this disease.

As far as my faith, I don't think God gave me CF. Sure, He allowed it to happen as He could have stopped it, but He didn't. I believe that CF is more of a tool used by God to shape my heavenly body than it is to destroy my earthly one.

He also promises to work ALL things for the good of those who love Him. It never says that everything that happens is good, but we serve a God that can take 100 bad things and shape them into something that brings Him ultimate glory. And that's what this life is all about for me. God shaping me into the man that will ultimately receive the joy of worshipping Him for eternity.

I don't get caught up too much in my suffering or the suffering of those around me. This life on earth is but a blink of an eye, and in the big picture, pretty "insignificant". I'm not living for the here and now, but the later and forever.

The one time I questioned God and His works was when my 16 year old cousin died in a roll-over car accident. It was sudden. We didn't have anytime to prepare. She was young, vibrant, beautiful and had a huge heart for the Lord. I wondered how in the world God could ever use that for His glory. I questioned why He would take someone who could end up doing so much for His Kingdom here on earth. I brought these and many other questions to my pastor.

What he said solidified my view on my own life. He said that each of us have a race to run. Some run it faster than others. Because some run faster, they will finish the race first (die). We're all running towards the same finish line, and as all of the other runners, the goal is to cross the line. Whether we finish first or last is of no consequence to God, it's that we finished and finished well. He watches how we are running. Once we cross that finish line we will be in His presence and get to hear the words that we all want to hear more than anything, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

When I took the focus off the death of my cousin and the sadness it created for me, I was able to see the joy it was bringing to her and to my Savior. He wants us in His presence more than anything else. The fact that my cousin got to see His face before me may be because she ran such a darn good race!! I may also never know why she was taken from this earth so soon, but I do have faith that God is true to His word and will work ALL things for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to HIS purpose.

So, why does God allow me to have CF? I don't know. I do however know that He doesn't make mistakes. I do know that He views me as a perfect creation formed in His image. And finally, I do know that one day, all will be revealed to me and will be more clear than it could ever be here on earth.

Like I said, this is a tough one, but hopefully something I said here will help you and your son.

My Mom's Strength

I get asked often about my mom by readers of this blog. Questions like "how did she feel about you having CF?", "was she strict?", and most common, "what was her secret to being such a good (CF) mom?". Well, her response to yesterday's blog pretty much sums up everything you need to know about my mom. She sent me a very sweet email that makes it very clear where her strength came from to parent a child...especially a child with CF...born in 1980...not exactly the "heyday" for CFers.

Thanks, Ronnie, for your kind words and loving me. You made me cry. I never felt like I was the best mom (you do have your stories!), I sure made plenty of mistakes, but I did TRY to do my best. I put your health in the hands of God then as I do today. Doesn't mean that I didn't take CF seriously, that treatments and medications weren't of the utmost importance, or that I stopped praying everyday for you...but God has a plan and I accept His plan and by the grace of God...go WE. And look what a fantastic man, husband and father you've become. I am a proud Mama...and Grandma!! 

I can tell you this, the apple certainly doesn't fall far from the tree.

Love you Mom.

Somehow I Stumbled Upon Her

I was so inspired by Mandi's blog yesterday, that I decided to write a response to her blog...sort of. I'm not going to go into all of the reasons that I think CF is a blessing or the reasons that I don't hate Cystic Fibrosis (since Mandi nailed it), but I am going to heap praise on my wife. My one and only.

I am blessed.

There's no doubt about it, I am one blessed man. From the loving family I was born into, to the loving family I am now leading, I am blessed beyond measure. I often think that it's time to pinch myself, but there is no way that I want to wake up from this dream if that is in fact what is going on. I mean, I sometimes feel guilty. I catch myself saying "What did I do to deserve all of this?". I cannot think of a single reason as to why God would choose to bestow such blessings upon me.

That however, is the good news - it has nothing to do with me. God has blessed me richly because that's His perfect plan. His perfect plan could also have my own little world come crashing down tomorrow. Nobody knows what the future holds but Him. I take comfort in the fact that come feast or famine, it's all part of God's perfect plan.

God created Mandi with me in mind.

There aren't many women out there who could fall in love with a guy like me. My faults are many and my good qualities are few. Add on top of it the very different life that I live, and I'm not exactly what most people would consider a catch. Yet, in spite of all of my downfalls, I stumbled upon a woman who loves every character trait, quirk, struggle, fault, and cell in my being...even the jacked up CF one.

It doesn't stop there. She not only loves everything about me, but she'll even credit my jacked up CF cells with crafting me into the man she fell in love with. As she has put it before; "In a weird way, I'm actually very thankful for your CF". There are not many women out there who have ever breathed those words. Yet, in His perfect plan, I decide to go to the movie June 27th, 2008.

I saw a movie that night with my future wife, the woman God hand-selected for me, and I didn't even know it. I was too busy watching some stupid movie to realize it was the beginning of my very own fairytale.

Mandi's doesn't hate CF + I am CF = Mandi doesn't hate me.

I really feel for the people out there who hate CF. I really, really feel for the kids out there who's parents vocalize how much they hate CF. You know what that says to some kids? That you hate them.

I accepted at a very young age that CF was a part of my life and it wasn't going away. CF was woven into the fabric of my being and in some respect, was just simply who I was. So, if I accepted that, but then was told by my parents that they "hated CF", how could one not see that as hating something about you that is never going away? See how that can work?

Thankfully, Mandi has expressed from very early on in our relationship, that there is nothing she would change about me - not even CF. She doesn't hate it. She loves what it's done for me. She loves what it's done for us. She loves what it will do for our family.

Wanting something to be gone and hating that something are worlds apart where I'm from. I want CF to be gone, but I will never, ever hate it.

The end.

Cystic Fibrosis: The Continual Blessing

I mentioned in last week's Mandi Monday that our pastor gave a great sermon on prayer last Sunday. It was a sermon that reaffirmed some things I already knew, but it was given in a way that brought new perspective on something in my life.

We often say that we are "blessed by CF." We say that we consider CF a blessing in our lives. It's one of those things that is hard to explain; hard to justify. There are many things about CF that I don't consider awesome. I certainly don't love that Ronnie is holed up 3-4 times a day doing treatments when we could use that time doing other things. I don't love the fact that he's away from Mckenna and I for a couple weeks at a time while he's in the hospital. I really don't like the thought of potentially being a young widow. Obviously that's not a certainty, but the possibility of it isn't desirable. I really hate the chance that Mckenna would lose her daddy at some point, before she "should." There are certainly things about CF that don't seem like blessings on the surface. Neither Ronnie, nor myself, would argue that.

But the sermon last week opened my eyes to something. I will admit, I don't have prayer down. I am not the greatest or best when it comes to prayer. I don't always pray the way that I should. I don't always have my prayer life straight. That being said, when our pastor was speaking, I realized EXACTLY what he was talking about. Ronnie and I have it exactly right when it comes to our prayer about CF.

Our pastor simply said this, "We need to stop praying for God to remove us from situations and start praying for God to use us in those situations." That hit home. God's job is not to take away all the struggles in our lives. His job is not to play doctor when it's not according to His will. His job, and ours, is to use us in our struggles and in our circumstances. I don't always remember that in my prayer life, but when it comes to CF, I somehow instinctually applied that principle.

For some reason I never once have prayed for a cure for CF. Not once. In my heart of hearts, I know that's not what God currently has in Ronnie's plan. I know so deep in my being that God is using Ronnie's CF and therefore, I am not going to pray for him to be cured. I will be honest, I'm not always so in-tuned to God's voice that I know exactly what His plan is for us, but this is one area of our lives that I have always known and heard God clearly. Therefore, I have always prayed that God would use us in our situation, not for Him to take us out of this situation.

And in that lies the reason...That is why we think CF is a blessing!

Instead of crying out and asking God to cure Ronnie's CF and having our prayers left unanswered, and us angry, we are praying that God use us in our current situation. As a result, we see God answer our prayers in a big way. Time after time. We see blessing in abundance. God has provided us with great friends, jobs, and situations as a direct result of CF. Day in and day out we are shocked by what God is doing in our lives because of CF. He is pouring out more blessing and fulfillment than any little hurdle CF may put in our path. Our prayer is that He uses CF, not that He removes those hurdles.

It is because of the way we pray about CF that we think CF is blessing.

I have never realized why until last Sunday. It has been a huge learning lesson. My eyes were opened. I need to apply this same principle to other areas of my life. I cannot fathom how much more blessed and overjoyed we can be if we continue to pray in a way that aligns our hearts with His. I need to realize that in all areas of my life God puts me exactly where I need to be today. He wants to use me; He doesn't want to rescue me when it's not according to His plan.

As a result, the prayer I want to pray when it comes to all areas of my life is this: Use me, Lord, and allow me to see the blessings in any circumstance regardless of how they seem on the surface.

In hard times this prayer will be difficult, but I know the blessings that the Creator of the Universe (let that sink in for a moment - the creator of the entire universe) will rain down on me will far outweigh any earthly, "big" challenges I will face in the present.

When He Calls Us Home

An excellent question from a reader about a difficult topic. 

I hope you don't mind but I thought of you after receiving some devastating information about a friend who has been battling cancer for 2 years and has now been put on hospice. I've contact you because I know we share a common faith. I cannot wrap my head around the purpose of taking such a vibrant woman of faith home and away from her family, including two young children. 

I am grasping for some level of direction/understanding from others that I know who live a God centered life . . how can I support her - knowing she has "gone to the well" many many times, trying to maintain her faith in the Lord thru all of her painful trials . . . what words are there to offer in such a difficult situation . . .

I'll understand if this is too much of a burden to reply to; however, your words have moved me many times to thinking in a new christian perspective. Thank you for that . . . prayers of love and light to you and your beautiful family. Enjoy each and every second of this blessing!

I know Lisa's story as well, and it's certainly a sad situation.

I'd like to, if I may, ask you to think about this from another perspective - God's. He's not taking her from her home, He's allowing her to actually go Home. It's never easy to leave children behind on this earth, but God didn't create us to serve the world or our children, we were created to serve Him. Part of our service to Him is to eagerly join Him when He has called us back to His arms.

I had many of these same questions when I lost my 16 year old cousin and her dad (my uncle) in a roll-over accident. Jodi was a bright, beautiful, Christ-loving person. I wondered aloud why in the world God would allow that life to be cut short. I was coming at it from a human perspective however. God allowed my cousin to live for 16 wonderful years here on earth before calling her home. That's 16 more years than any of us deserve.

Think of it this way - God has no concept of time (at least as it relates to us). He's already set the beginning and the end of the race. It just so happened that Jodi and Lisa were running a bit faster than the rest of us  Their race is over, and they ran it well.

The only thing we can do in their memory is run the race as well as they did.

As far as what to share with Lisa - I think Paul's life is a great starting point. Paul suffered for Christ unlike many of us will ever experience, yet, he still rejoiced. He knew that the life we live here on earth is but a speck on the continuum of time.

There are times in life that we suffer, only for the fact that we can rejoice in being saved by a Savior who will in a short time, take away all of that pain.

Hope this has helped, even if just a little bit. God bless, and I will continue to pray for peace in this situation.

Eternal Perspective

Here was the challenge laid down for today's blog:

Open a Book. Choose a book and open it to a random page and point to a phrase. Use that phrase to get you writing today. Free write for 15-20 without stopping.

For the book, I chose the Bible and I landed on Romans 8:18 which says:


"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us"


This verse speaks of eternal perspective to me. Now, I wouldn't describe much of anything I go through on this earth to be suffering, but I know what the author is getting at. Sin causes suffering of all shade, types, sizes and styles. Without sin in the world, I wouldn't feel pain - both physical and emotion - I wouldn't hear or partake in gossip, I'd feel no envy, I wouldn't speak an ill word of anyone, my thoughts would be pure and my actions would be edifying to myself, my God and those around me. Man, that sounds like a great place! Where do I sign-up??


The answer is, that place exists and I signed-up when I gave my life over to Christ. To me, the verse I pointed to above makes it clear that instead of focusing on the toils and troubles of this earth and this life, I should be focusing on the place that I will be spending all of eternity when this pencil dot on the continuum of time, that some people call life, ceases to exist. I actually take great comfort in that.


People ask me all of the time if I'm really this easy going and happy about my current health situation. Some people just can't wrap their heads around the fact that I would call CF a blessing. And yes, there are those that actually get angry that I don't seem to be suffering. I can tell you this - I have never and will never consider anything that happens to my earthly body as a suffering. This is just way to temporary for me to ever consider it that. 


Suffering to me would be spending eternity separated from God. I can't even fathom that. I often sit back and think about this life compared to eternity and it continues to blow my mind. I think if we get caught up in the short-term, and what happens in this life, we'll always have some level of disappointment. I don't think I've ever met someone who was 100% satisfied with how their life is, was and where it's heading.


The only way to be 100% satisfied with this life is to focus on the eternal perspective. The only way not to get overwhelmed with our circumstance is to know that ultimately, the suffering we feel here on earth will be like a gun shot amongst a Fourth of July fireworks show that lasts forever.


I take comfort in the fact that the story has already been written. I'm simply acting out a short scene before the director calls me Backstage.

Dear 16-year-old-me

Hey Ronnie,

So I've been thinking a lot about you lately and I wanted to write you a quick note based on some things I've learned over the past 16 years. You see, I'm 32 now and have now doubled you in age. I'm not saying that I'm twice as smart, but I'm definitely at least twice as wise and then some. I would be remiss if I didn't share some things with you as you embark on the post-16-year-old journey that you're about to start.

First, let's talk about some things that you're doing right...

I know you don't take school very seriously, but I'm proud of you for not letting your grades slip. You'll be in college soon, and as a result of those good grades, you'll be able to save your folks some money. They can't afford to be shelling out college tuition along with paying for your little brothers private education. And you may not think about it now, but at some point, you'll be able to share the GPA with your future daughter.

I love your commitment to sports. You're a competitor just like me and I see how it fuels you in life, on the field and in the classrooms. I know that you're playing sports because you love them, but I'm telling you know, it's going to pay off in ways that you can't even grasp right now. So, stick with it, give it your all, and know that the memories you're making now with teammates with last with you forever.

And finally, I know this is something that you rarely think about, but good job on your treatments. Now, it's not entirely up to you as I understand it, but know that your mom is doing what she believes is best for you, and guess what, she's right. You're building up a baseline health right now that I promise you'll be thankful for in the future. Sometimes, it's not even about your lungs or about the treatments, it's about establishing what's important in your life and what's not. You're mom realizes that treatments are important, and even if you don't at the moment, you will when you're my age.

With that in mind, let's talk about some of the mistakes I made when I was your age with the hope that you won't repeat my offenses...

Speaking of your mom, don't give her such a hard time. Don't you realize that every decision she's made for the last 16 years has been because of you?? There are things that she wishes she could have done, or extra money that I'm sure she would have wanted to spend on herself, but she didn't - it all went to you. She loves you and your brothers more than you'll ever know and the amount of sacrifice she's given to the family will never be able to be repaid. But, with that said, you can start by acting like you love her instead of just saying it.

You need to be nicer to people. I know you think that you stick up for those less fortunate and knock other people down "a few pegs" who you think deserve it, but in reality, it's not your job to knock those people down. Approach them like a man and get to know them and just maybe you'll see what makes them tick. Right now, you're just being a boy who gets the approval and laughs from your friends by being mean to others. That's not right and that's certainly not what God would want you to do.

Speaking of God, get to know Him for yourself. Right now, the only reason you know Him is because your parents make you "know" Him. Your walk with God isn't about going to church; it isn't about praying; and it isn't about telling people that you're a Christian. He wants nothing more than to develop a relationship with you that's real and personal. All of that other stuff is important, but none of it holds a candle to actually knowing the heart of your Lord and Savior. When that happens, you can't help but have it bleed over to other areas of your life. Pursue Him, He's waiting.

I know it sounds like I'm harping on you a bit, but it's only because I love you. You're a good boy right now, but I think you can be an even better man. I know that's in your heart and I look forward to watching you grow.

Oh, and one more thing, break up with your girlfriend. You're wasting your time. God's already created the perfect woman for you, but you won't meet her until you're 28. I know it sounds like a long time from now, but you're going to need 12 years to become the man of her dreams.

Sincerely,
32-year-old Ronnie

**This post was inspired by the WEGO Health Blog Challenege

Eyes Open: A REAL Eternal Optimist

Ronnie and I are doing an bible study, Experiencing God, with a small group. It's pretty cool. Our church is doing a Sunday sermon series that ties in, and then all small groups (and even some new ones) are doing the workbook that goes along with it. Way cool: over 1600 people bought workbooks and over 600 bought devotionals...just an aside.

So in our small group this week, the conversation turned to challenges. Ronnie said, "You know, I always question how close I am to God because there are so many examples where God gave challenges to strong men in the bible. And pastors say, if you haven't been given challenges or hardship in your life, you maybe aren't being used by God because He often gives challenges to build character before He uses you. And I think, well shoot, why have I not been given challenges?"

...um what?!

I couldn't help but laugh a bit, and then replied, "umm I think probably CF is your thing?!" (that and having to live life with his face..HAHA I KID). Everyone in the group chimed in with, "yeah, I think probably so" comments. And then I started thinking. Man, when Ronnie says he thinks CF is a blessing, he REALLY thinks CF is a blessing. It doesn't even cross his mind that CF would be considered by most to be a challenge or hardship.

This realization stopped me in my tracks. I'm thankful for CF. I thankful for the man it made Ronnie. I'm thankful for the perspective it brings to our lives. I'm thankful for all the people I've met as a result. But I can tell you if you asked me about the biggest challenge in our lives, CF would be the first to pop into my head. And as I digested the statement and my own thoughts surrounding the topic, I began to feel a little twinge of envy. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. What must it feel like to be SO positive about anything and everything in your life that even with something like CF, you don't think you have challenges?

I am not wired like Ronnie. I am a worrier. I often jump to worst case scenarios. I find it easier to initially see the negative than the positive. I'm certainly not a negative Nancy, and try to be positive and an optimist, but it certainly doesn't come as naturally as it does for Ronnie. I hope the longer I know Ronnie, the more he'll rub off on me. What a blessing to have that perspective. So this week, I'm going to work on my perspective. I'm putting on my rose colored glasses and will try to never take them off. Ha!

PS - If you talk to Ronnie, don't mention this post, as I'm hoping he doesn't see it...I don't want to stroke his ego ;-)

The Year Ahead

I'm not a big New Year's resolution kind of a guy. I figure that if I need a certain day of the year to get me motivated, then making some a "must do" resolutions is the least of my worries. I do however like to look at the year ahead and figure out some things that I would like to accomplish or continue to do. They're not resolutions as much as they are plans for the future.

My number one focus this year is my family. Not only do I want to be the husband my wife has always dreamed about, but I want to be the kind of husband that blows away her expectations. I know that she would never say this, but she deserves that from me. The day I was blessed enough to make her my wife was the day that she made my life complete. I was finally given the woman that God created just for me and I could not have been happier. She "checks off all of my boxes" and my hope is that I can check off all of hers...and then maybe add some that she never thought about.

I also want to be the dad that my precious daughter deserves. There really isn't a whole lot that I can do right now besides meet her basic needs, but I can prepare myself for the future. Part of that is taking care of myself physically and also being there for Mandi so she can take care of herself. If we're there for each other and co-parent like we've always planned, that gives us both the much needed mental breaks once in a while as well. As we anticipate Mckenna growing from an infant to a toddler to little girl to a teen; I just hope that I can continue to sharpen my skills to be the father that God created me to be.

A big part of that is making sure that I'm capable to be the spiritual head of this household. I'm sold out on the fact that God has already laid out a plan for our family that is perfect, and a big part of that plan is for us to seek His Will. That of course is always a tough thing. How do I know His Will for my life? I don't have a blueprint for my life, or my family's(although that would be nice), but He did provide a blueprint for all of humanity to follow. This year I need to be sure to open up that blueprint, focus on what it says, talk with the Author and then wait for His response.

There are also some other things that I'd like to see done this year, but compared to what I've already talked about, it seems very arbitrary. I'd like to continue to pour into CysticLife.org and make sure it's the space that the CF community deserves. I'd like to I'd like to replant and spruce up my garden. I'd like to do a couple of house projects, not sure what they'll be, but something cool. I'd like to travel with my family of three. I'd like to continue to reach a couple of people with this blog.

So that's what's in store for me (if I have my way) - what about you???

Trusting in His Will

First of all, happy belated V-day to all of you lovebirds out there. Mandi and I had (and I quote myself) "a day just like any other day, only today I got you flowers". Mandi said it was "perfect" therefore, I shoot, I score. Anywhoo, as most of you probably know, we had our embryo transfer on Monday and now we go into the waiting phase of this ever so lovely IVF game. I know that Mandi shared with you guys some of her feelings so I wanted to do the same. I'm not a big "feelings" guy, but many of you expressed how helpful it is when we really share our mindset throughout this whole process. I figure it can't hurt anyway.

Let me set some background. From the very beginning of this IVF process, all we've ever heard was "you guys are going to do great". This I'm sure was for a multitude of reasons, but it often came back to Mandi's age and the fact that, as far as they could tell, she had no infertility issues of her own. You would have thought that this was all just a formality and we could start decorating the nursery after our very first appointment. I can tell you this (and I think it probably rings true for a lot of women out there), when you have a wife who may have trouble managing her expectations, it's actually not what you want to hear. Since the beginning of this whole process I've been very aware of the fact that we could very easily get ahead of ourselves only to be hurt and let down in the end of this. The fact is, when going through the IVF process, couples have a better chance of "failing" than they do succeeding. Our doctor is one of the best in the state (statically speaking) and he still only turns in a 67% pregnancy rate, and please notice that doesn't say live birth rate. Needless to say, the odds were against us.

Knowing the struggle and heartache that could come upon us throughout this process we knew that we needed someone to lean on. The great part is that we're both blessed with incredible families and happen to be pretty connected with a very loving and embracing online community full of peeps that we have had the privilege of getting to know these last couple of years. Having those type of connections are great to have in our back pocket, but we knew we needed someone that was always going to be available for a chat or had a big enough shoulder for both of us to lean on. And thank God, we knew just the guy...literally, thank God.

We've turned this entire process over to Him. He knows the desire of our hearts, but the fact of the matter is, His desire is always perfect and ours is not. We've been in prayer with Him daily just asking that His Hands be all over this thing and that He would grant us a peace that passes all understanding no matter what the outcome. Now, it's much easier to throw out prayers and write blogs about this topic than it is to actually live it out. I think Mandi eluded to that a bit when she shared with you her moment of just needing to be alone in the bathroom after we got our embryo results. The great part about it is that we know we can't rely on our own strength to get through this, no matter what happens. No babies will be extremely tough. Babies will be extremely tough. I often hear people say "God will never give you more than you can handle". This is not only NOT in the Bible, it's just simply flies in the face of a sovereign Lord. God will give us more than we can handle if for only the fact that we're reminded that we must lean on Him and draw from His strength to get through it. If we were never given anything "too big" for us, than what's the point of having a Savior?

Point is, I'm sure glad we handed all of this over to Him. When the doctor showed us a sheet full of embryos that "didn't make it" I felt like all of my strength had been taken from me. The old expression "wind out of my sails" couldn't have painted a more perfect picture. But, just as quickly as I felt that feeling, a new and much more powerful sense took over, a sense of peace. And clear as day, and almost in an audible voice in my head, I started to hear a prayer that Mandi and I had prayed literally every day since this process began. "Lord, please provide the exact number of embryos that you would like us to have". We knew that number could be 10 and it could be 0. I then nodded my head and said to Mandi, "He wants us to have two". Here's the thing, He may provide more later and He may not, but right now I believe with 100 percent certainty that God provided us just 2 embryos out of the original 15 because that's exactly how many are perfect for us right now. My God doesn't make mistakes.

We could also come out of this whole process with no babies. That will of course be another blog for another day were that to happen, but I'm very comforted in another truth that I know about God. My God doesn't waste pain.

When Life Gives You Lemonade

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about that old saying, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." You know this quote well, I'm sure. It seems like it's the go to when you're being told to make the best out of a bad situation. I've even heard variations of this quote, "When life hands you lemons...suck out all of the Vitamin C," "When life hands you lemons...ask for salt and tequila," "When life hands you lemons...find a kid with a paper cut" (that one's kind of mean, and I'm not sure it's really making the BEST out of a bad situation, sounds like sharing your pain with others?).

We've all heard this quote, and it's always said by someone meaning well. Telling us to make the best of the "sour" situation we're in. I often hear people using this term when talking about life with CF, or to people with CF. And while I get the motivation behind the statement, something, lately, isn't sitting right.

You see, this statement implies that the thing we're dealing with is inherently bad. But that may just be OUR perception of it. If the Lord gives you a struggle, in order to strengthen your character, your faith (and who knows what else) to further His plan and for our ultimate good, is that thing inherently bad? Romans 5:3,4 says: Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

I understand that the argument then becomes, "Right, but that's the point of the saying, something good (Hope/Lemonade) can be made out of something bad (Suffering/Lemons)." But my rebuttal is this: How drastically different would our view of hardships be if all along we viewed them as lemonade? What if we never had to force ourselves to create the lemonade out of the lemons? Instead, what if every hand we were dealt we assumed was lemonade? Some lemonade may be more sour, some may be very sweet, but never-the-less, it's all lemonade.

How would your life look if everything was lemonade? How would your view of your job change? How would your view of our marriage change? How would your view of CF change? How much easier would the day be, if everything was lemonade?

Cystic Fibrosis: Feeding My Worry "Addiction" Since 2008

**Written by Mandi (I know, it's not Monday)

Many of you that know me, know that I’m a huge worrywart. I’ll worry about anything. I worry even if it’s irrational and I know I shouldn’t. “You can’t worry about everything!” you’re thinking? Wrong. Hm, what’s the best example. Oh, I’ve got one. I worry about the crabgrass and if we’ll be able to get rid of it. Does that help you get the picture? Part of it may be because I like to keep my mind busy. I don’t like sitting around doing nothing, and somehow “worrying” feels like I’m doing something. The second part of it, I’m afraid, is just my nature. Somehow I convince myself that if I think about something, and worry about something enough, I can outthink it. Makes total sense and is rational, right? (Insert eye roll and fart noise with mouth).

Unfortunately, having CF as a part of our lives gives me something to worry about. I think many of us do this. CF provides an easy thing to worry about for those of us prone to worrying. When I’m not caught in the middle of worrying, I’m able to think about it rationally and realize that my worries are irrational! Most of my worry spurs from reading or hearing about other people. It seems like every day I am reading about a CFer being listed for a transplant, dying, or getting sick. Each story begins to get my mind spinning. Some stories rattle me so deep to my core that I find myself getting choked up, and the only thing that will calm me is walking over to Ronnie and just hugging him. It doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens enough that Ronnie knows the drill. He knows why I’ve randomly shown up on his lap, tears in my eyes, holding onto him so tight he could pop. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “You’re not going anywhere, right?” To which he responds, “Right.” “Promise?” “Yup!” - like he, or any of us, can actually promise that.

The point is, I worry, yet I know my worrying doesn’t do anyone any good. So the question is then, how do we stop it? How do we help our rational brain teach our irrational brain how to think? I see this all the time in others in the community. We tend to focus so much on the negative - fueling our worry, concern, and flat out fear. Yet we let the encouraging, wonderful stories go in one ear and out the other. I’m pretty sure these days, the negative and the positive stories could go head to head. I read daily about new meds, people kickin’ butt with CF, and most importantly, I watch my husband faithfully do his treatments and exercise. But somehow, I haven’t learned how to focus on that quite yet.

So what’s the cure to all this worry? I think there’s a couple things. The first is time. Time to get more comfortable with Ronnie’s CF. Time to see everything that comes along with CF, the good and the bad, so I can watch Ronnie remain triumphant through each hurdle. Time to realize that Ronnie’s story is different than all 70,000 other stories out there. I wish I could speed up this solution, but I can’t. So I, like you, just wait, as each day turns into weeks, months and years. And I have noticed, that over the past 2 years, this solution is working. So I just sit tight, and look forward to the tomorrows - filled with less unknowns and more experience. The second solution I feel is trust. We all have something different that we put our faith and trust in. For me, it’s a trust in God. Trust that God has the plan already figured out. A plan that is in my best interest and a plan that is in Ronnie’s best interest. I need to better learn that my thinking and rethinking about scenarios and fretting over the what-ifs isn’t going to change God’s plan. I need to actually allow God to have the control I try to take by worrying. This, of course, is easier said than done. But the minute I turn my life and my fears fully over to Him, is the minute I’ll no longer be worried about what the future holds.

I know I'm not the only one that does this. So let's hear it. What gets you worrying? Have you found things that help you when you find yourself caught up in those fears and emotions? Have you found things that help you avoid worrying? Let me hear it.

Top Ten Reasons To Get Married: Better Man

Here goes, the number 1 reason to get married:

No.1 - Marriage makes you a better man

If you're a smart guy, you'll choose to be with a woman who is insightful, opinionated and honest. That's the kind of companion who can make you a better person. She can bring out the best in you. She can challenge you to be the best version of yourself. On top of that, through marriage you'll learn the true meaning of self-sacrifice and compromise. In short, marriage will make you a better man.

I didn't need to marry Mandi to become a better man, I only needed to meet her. Ever since the day we met, I've been focused on being a better person and a better leader. Being her "dream husband" is my focus now and it's something that I will never stop trying to accomplish. But more important than even that, I'm hoping to be the leader that she's always wanted. We will have a Christ centered marriage and it is my responsibility to make sure that is always our first focus. If I can manage to lead our household successfully in that regard, there is NO DOUBT that we will have a long, happy and blissful wedded life. Here's to the next 50 years!!!

Check out the intro to this list here.

Check out the number ten reason here.

Check out the number nine reason here.

Check out the number eight reason here.

Check out the number seven reason here.

Check out the number six reason here.

Check out the number five reason here.

Check out the number four reason here.

Check out the number three reason here.

Check out the number two reason here.

Top Ten Reasons To Get Married: Sex

Here goes, the number 4 reason to get married:

No.4 - Marriage means more sex

Married men have more sex than single men do. It's a fact -- supported by study after study. A study done by the Kinsey Institute, for example, suggests that 23% of non-married men periodically go a year without sex, while only 1% of married men experience 12-month dry spells. Similarly, while 19% of single guys have sex two to three times a week, 36% of married men have sex that often. So, while single guys are out at the clubs, spending their paychecks just to get a girl's attention, married men are home having sex with their wives.

I can guarantee you that Mandi and I will have more sex once we're married. Last time I checked, even one time was more than no times. Mandi and I firmly believe that sex is a covenant meant only to be shared between a husband and wife. That's not to say that the last two years haven't been incredibly tough, but somehow we managed to keep our hands off of each other :) That's all going to change once we're married (fingers crossed) and I can tell you that both Mandi and I are looking forward to it. We're confident that are faithfulness to remain pure will be blessed by God thousand-fold on our marriage bed. Shoot, I'd even take a hundred-fold :)

Check out the intro to this list here.

Check out the number ten reason here.

Check out the number nine reason here.

Check out the number eight reason here.

Check out the number seven reason here.

Check out the number six reason here.

Check out the number five reason here.