Trusting in His Will

First of all, happy belated V-day to all of you lovebirds out there. Mandi and I had (and I quote myself) "a day just like any other day, only today I got you flowers". Mandi said it was "perfect" therefore, I shoot, I score. Anywhoo, as most of you probably know, we had our embryo transfer on Monday and now we go into the waiting phase of this ever so lovely IVF game. I know that Mandi shared with you guys some of her feelings so I wanted to do the same. I'm not a big "feelings" guy, but many of you expressed how helpful it is when we really share our mindset throughout this whole process. I figure it can't hurt anyway.

Let me set some background. From the very beginning of this IVF process, all we've ever heard was "you guys are going to do great". This I'm sure was for a multitude of reasons, but it often came back to Mandi's age and the fact that, as far as they could tell, she had no infertility issues of her own. You would have thought that this was all just a formality and we could start decorating the nursery after our very first appointment. I can tell you this (and I think it probably rings true for a lot of women out there), when you have a wife who may have trouble managing her expectations, it's actually not what you want to hear. Since the beginning of this whole process I've been very aware of the fact that we could very easily get ahead of ourselves only to be hurt and let down in the end of this. The fact is, when going through the IVF process, couples have a better chance of "failing" than they do succeeding. Our doctor is one of the best in the state (statically speaking) and he still only turns in a 67% pregnancy rate, and please notice that doesn't say live birth rate. Needless to say, the odds were against us.

Knowing the struggle and heartache that could come upon us throughout this process we knew that we needed someone to lean on. The great part is that we're both blessed with incredible families and happen to be pretty connected with a very loving and embracing online community full of peeps that we have had the privilege of getting to know these last couple of years. Having those type of connections are great to have in our back pocket, but we knew we needed someone that was always going to be available for a chat or had a big enough shoulder for both of us to lean on. And thank God, we knew just the guy...literally, thank God.

We've turned this entire process over to Him. He knows the desire of our hearts, but the fact of the matter is, His desire is always perfect and ours is not. We've been in prayer with Him daily just asking that His Hands be all over this thing and that He would grant us a peace that passes all understanding no matter what the outcome. Now, it's much easier to throw out prayers and write blogs about this topic than it is to actually live it out. I think Mandi eluded to that a bit when she shared with you her moment of just needing to be alone in the bathroom after we got our embryo results. The great part about it is that we know we can't rely on our own strength to get through this, no matter what happens. No babies will be extremely tough. Babies will be extremely tough. I often hear people say "God will never give you more than you can handle". This is not only NOT in the Bible, it's just simply flies in the face of a sovereign Lord. God will give us more than we can handle if for only the fact that we're reminded that we must lean on Him and draw from His strength to get through it. If we were never given anything "too big" for us, than what's the point of having a Savior?

Point is, I'm sure glad we handed all of this over to Him. When the doctor showed us a sheet full of embryos that "didn't make it" I felt like all of my strength had been taken from me. The old expression "wind out of my sails" couldn't have painted a more perfect picture. But, just as quickly as I felt that feeling, a new and much more powerful sense took over, a sense of peace. And clear as day, and almost in an audible voice in my head, I started to hear a prayer that Mandi and I had prayed literally every day since this process began. "Lord, please provide the exact number of embryos that you would like us to have". We knew that number could be 10 and it could be 0. I then nodded my head and said to Mandi, "He wants us to have two". Here's the thing, He may provide more later and He may not, but right now I believe with 100 percent certainty that God provided us just 2 embryos out of the original 15 because that's exactly how many are perfect for us right now. My God doesn't make mistakes.

We could also come out of this whole process with no babies. That will of course be another blog for another day were that to happen, but I'm very comforted in another truth that I know about God. My God doesn't waste pain.

Cystic Fibrosis: Feeding My Worry "Addiction" Since 2008

**Written by Mandi (I know, it's not Monday)

Many of you that know me, know that I’m a huge worrywart. I’ll worry about anything. I worry even if it’s irrational and I know I shouldn’t. “You can’t worry about everything!” you’re thinking? Wrong. Hm, what’s the best example. Oh, I’ve got one. I worry about the crabgrass and if we’ll be able to get rid of it. Does that help you get the picture? Part of it may be because I like to keep my mind busy. I don’t like sitting around doing nothing, and somehow “worrying” feels like I’m doing something. The second part of it, I’m afraid, is just my nature. Somehow I convince myself that if I think about something, and worry about something enough, I can outthink it. Makes total sense and is rational, right? (Insert eye roll and fart noise with mouth).

Unfortunately, having CF as a part of our lives gives me something to worry about. I think many of us do this. CF provides an easy thing to worry about for those of us prone to worrying. When I’m not caught in the middle of worrying, I’m able to think about it rationally and realize that my worries are irrational! Most of my worry spurs from reading or hearing about other people. It seems like every day I am reading about a CFer being listed for a transplant, dying, or getting sick. Each story begins to get my mind spinning. Some stories rattle me so deep to my core that I find myself getting choked up, and the only thing that will calm me is walking over to Ronnie and just hugging him. It doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens enough that Ronnie knows the drill. He knows why I’ve randomly shown up on his lap, tears in my eyes, holding onto him so tight he could pop. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “You’re not going anywhere, right?” To which he responds, “Right.” “Promise?” “Yup!” - like he, or any of us, can actually promise that.

The point is, I worry, yet I know my worrying doesn’t do anyone any good. So the question is then, how do we stop it? How do we help our rational brain teach our irrational brain how to think? I see this all the time in others in the community. We tend to focus so much on the negative - fueling our worry, concern, and flat out fear. Yet we let the encouraging, wonderful stories go in one ear and out the other. I’m pretty sure these days, the negative and the positive stories could go head to head. I read daily about new meds, people kickin’ butt with CF, and most importantly, I watch my husband faithfully do his treatments and exercise. But somehow, I haven’t learned how to focus on that quite yet.

So what’s the cure to all this worry? I think there’s a couple things. The first is time. Time to get more comfortable with Ronnie’s CF. Time to see everything that comes along with CF, the good and the bad, so I can watch Ronnie remain triumphant through each hurdle. Time to realize that Ronnie’s story is different than all 70,000 other stories out there. I wish I could speed up this solution, but I can’t. So I, like you, just wait, as each day turns into weeks, months and years. And I have noticed, that over the past 2 years, this solution is working. So I just sit tight, and look forward to the tomorrows - filled with less unknowns and more experience. The second solution I feel is trust. We all have something different that we put our faith and trust in. For me, it’s a trust in God. Trust that God has the plan already figured out. A plan that is in my best interest and a plan that is in Ronnie’s best interest. I need to better learn that my thinking and rethinking about scenarios and fretting over the what-ifs isn’t going to change God’s plan. I need to actually allow God to have the control I try to take by worrying. This, of course, is easier said than done. But the minute I turn my life and my fears fully over to Him, is the minute I’ll no longer be worried about what the future holds.

I know I'm not the only one that does this. So let's hear it. What gets you worrying? Have you found things that help you when you find yourself caught up in those fears and emotions? Have you found things that help you avoid worrying? Let me hear it.