Tough Answer

This is definitely a common concern with many moms and dads in the CF community. I actually wanted to post this exchange, because as you'll see, I don't have a great answer. Maybe you do? Please share your experience and maybe a helpful tip or two to this mama. I'll make sure she reads it!!

Hope you won’t find this question too personal to answer. 

We have a toddler with CF. The one thing that still bothers me about his diagnosis is the likelihood that he is infertile/won’t be able to have children without assistance. Given all the other stuff CF does to one’s body it just seems so unfair! And kind of random too actually. 

Just wondering how old you were when you realized that possibility and how you dealt with it? Was there something your parents said to you then that you appreciate now? I know we have a LONG time before this conversation comes up in our house but it's been on my mind for the past two years. Thank you! 

There is nothing ever too personal with me mama.

To be honest, I can't really remember an exact conversation about this topic as a kid/young adult. I have a feeling that how my mom handled ever situation that came our way is how she taught me to handle the subject of infertility - We'll figure something out. She had faith that things work out as they should and ultimately, we're not in control. Through it all, she has believed the "God is good". He would have been good whether or not I had children.

I was 19 when I got tested to see if I had sperm present. I of course had none.

I also don't think it's all that random of a "side effect" of CF. The only sure way to stop a genetic illness from "spreading" is to not bear/produce children.

Sorry I don't have a great answer for you. It was just never made a big deal because God was in control.

The Waiting Game

Tomorrow's the day. The day that has seemed to approach in slow motion. The day that I have waited for for the last 8 weeks....shoot the last 24 years. Tomorrow is the day I get my blood drawn to see if I'm pregnant or not. Ahh...just typing those words makes my heart race and my palms get sweaty (sorry keyboard!)

Ronnie wanted me to post today to share my thoughts this last week - probably because he wants me to have something other than him to use as a sounding board for my ramblings. I will share my thoughts with you, so that if you're ever going through this, you know that it's "completely normal".

I have felt just about every emotion in my arsenal of emotions over the last week...and thanks to these hormones I'm still injecting, I've felt all of them back to back like a bipolar maniac. The beginning of last week I was doing well. My belly was still super bloated, the recency of the transfer was still fresh in my mind. Those little embryos felt so real, so close. I KNEW that they were both in there. I knew they were just floating there and felt like if I talked to them and if I prayed enough, I could convince them to stay (or convince God to let them stay). I was sure it was going to work. The pregnancy test felt so far away, but I wasn't impatient because I KNEW what the result was going to be. I KNEW I'd be pregnant.

As we got further into the week, that certainty and the closeness of the transfer, all started to fade. I couldn't picture my babies inside me as vividly. Doubt began to creep in. What if I'm supposed to be feeling more? What if they don't stay? What if I'm not pregnant? I began researching on the internet like crazy. I googled how I should be feeling. I googled how others felt. You know what I found? I found everyone's symptoms, each different from the previous. Some people with no symptoms at all. "This is Stupid," I thought. I would vow to stop googling. Only to start researching again a few hours later. I would vacillate. I would go from confident on minute: "Of course I'm pregnant. It only makes sense. The odds are in our favor." To completely scare: "What if I'm not pregnant? What would be the next steps?"

To add to the nervousness and emotional roller coaster, my bloating started to get better. HOW CAN THE BLOATING GET BETTER? Everything I'd read is that my bloating would get worse if I got pregnant. Granted, my doctor and nurse said that I had very mild OHSS and that it would likely get better a few days after the transfer, but still. I couldn't help but let it mess with my head. Now, I still have some bloating - my mid section is a solid 2 inches bigger than normal - but it's not as bad as before, and it's certainly not worse. I have continually reminded myself that my doctors thought that I'd likely get better soon, and I've been praying like crazy to not allow me to become more bloated and uncomfortable. Could it be that this is just God answering my prayers? I continually reminded myself that He was likely just guiding this process like He has this whole time.

SO that brings us to this weekend. This weekend has been the continuation of the roller coaster, but I've been slightly more confident. I've found myself less anxious - although not by much. As Tuesday draws nearer, the wait feels more bearable. "I can wait a few more days," I tell myself over and over again.

All in all, I can easily say that this has been the longest 8 days of my entire life - and we still have 1 left. Thanks for all the love these last few weeks - we can't thank you enough! We'll let you know in Wednesday's blog what we find out!

My Thoughts About Baby Makin'

Wait!! Before you turn off your computer, close down this blog or throw-up on your keyboard, don't panic - I will not actually go into my thoughts on the baby making process. Well, at least not the baby making process that most of you are familiar with. Today, Mandi and I head off to the fertility doc (is that what you call them?) to go over all of our options and get some initial screening done. Mandi shared some of her thoughts heading into this appointment, so I figure I might as well share some of mine.

- I'm excited. We're at the beginning of this whole journey and although I know it can be emotionally draining, I'm ready, and I'm excited. Here's the deal; I've been a "master" at managing expectations my whole life and I'm hoping that doesn't fail me during this process. I'm going into this expecting to create a child, BUT if that's not the end result, I'll be ok. I'll still end up with what I have now. A beautiful wife, a wonderful life and a crazy (in a good way) family that loves us unconditionally. The way I see it, we can't lose.

- I'm ready. From a very young age, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a great husband (check - right Mandi?) and a great father. I'm as ready as I'll ever be to start the journey to great fatherness (sounded good at the time). Mandi and I have discussed this many of times and for me it's a simple question and answer. What do I want to do now in life, that a child would prevent me from doing? Uhhhhh, nothing. What do I want to do now in life, that a child would allow me to do? Let's revert back to box number two - I'm ready to be a father.

- I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful that no matter what the result and no matter what the process, Mandi and I will grow our marriage. Nothing is more important to me. You often hear that "God doesn't waste pain" and "God can use us best when we're broken". I believe both of those things 100%, and although I pray it doesn't come to that, I also pray that if it does, we have the wisdom to recognize what God is trying to do in our lives. More importantly, I pray that we draw upon strength from Him as we lean upon each other.

- I'm faithful. When we made our vows, we promised to put our own wills below the wills of our Father. We're turning this process over to Him completely and our faithful that He will provide the most perfect outcome.

- I'm patient. "Patience is bitter, but it's fruit is sweet". I can't tell you how many times I'm recited that quote to myself, Mandi, my family and friends. I'll need to recall this quote probably more often than not during this process. And to be honest, it will probably not be a reminder for me. I won't name any names, but there is a little somebody who doesn't exactly excel in the patience category. That's what marriage is all about though, our strengths cover each other's weakness.

All-in-all I'm ready to get this party started and it starts with this first appointment. Send us some prayers that we're good candidates and that this process will be as smooth as possible. We'll be updating you as much as possible and also documenting as much as we can. That is, if you guys are even interested in coming along on this journey?