The Gift We Were Given

Yesterday, we learned that our final two babies that we had recently transferred into Mandi had not implanted and therefore, we are not pregnant. In the last year and a half, we have lost 6 babies through the IVF process and each one was tough to handle. There is definitely something though that feels different when its your last two. It feels much more final. The pain is a bit deeper. The stress is a bit more. The questions are many. The solutions seem far too few.

While Mandi was getting the blood test yesterday, I took Mckenna to her dance class at the local rec center. We had a great time dancing and playing with the other children. It was at the end of that class that I received the one-worded text that made my stomach drop: Negative.

Ugh.

Throughout the process, we knew this could happen. We knew that we could spend hundred of hours, thousands of dollars and more emotional capital then we count and end up with, well, nothing. Nothing but bruises from all of the shots. Heartache. Questions. And a feeling of "where do we go from here?". Even though we were prepared, you never quite know how you'll react when you hear the news. Fortunately for me, I received the text message with a little gift by my side saying, "Daddy, who's that?"

It still hurt, but I was IMMEDIATELY reminded that our one success absolutely dominates our 3 failed cycles in every way imaginable. I would welcome the emotional and physical pain of IVF every day for the rest of my life if it meant that I had Mckenna as my daughter. What we have as a result of IVF and God's provision trumps, in a big way, the loss that we've experienced as a result of IVF.

As I walked Mckenna out of her class, I couldn't help but experience the joy that I experience every day by being able to be her daddy. We have been blessed beyond measure and are thankful every single day for our family. Is it a family that we would love to grow? Yup. Does that growth need to take place through IVF? Not necessarily. Does God already have our story written? He sure does. Am I thankful that He placed Mandi and Mckenna as two central characters in my story? More thankful than I would ever be able to put into words.

And finally, as we were departing the building, I shared the news with a girlfriend of Mandi's who has been very aware of our journey this far. She was eager to hear the results and was also saddened by the news. When I told her the results were negative, her response was about just as perfect as could be...

(While looking down at Mckenna) "Makes you realize even more how much of a miracle this little one is."

Yes it does. Thank you Jesus.

Some People Just Go Above and Beyond

We're always caught so off-guard when we get kind notes, or in this case thoughtful gifts, from those in the CF community. We don't feel at all deserving of them, and as people who are uncomfortable accepting gifts from family, accepting kind words and gifts from "strangers" is a whole different ballgame. Nevertheless, when someone goes above and beyond for us, we feel the need to give them some love.

A super special momma to a studly young fibro totally made our day this week. Not only did Julie send us something for Peanut, but she actually took the time to make it with her own hands. I have to give her some love for that, but I also feel the need to give her some love for the email that she sent in order to get our address to send the package. It is by far one of the most entertaining notes I received and I loved every minute of it:

Ok, first off, let me preface by saying I'm not a stalker. Seriously. If I were, it wouldn't be for anyone in a state as stupidly hot as Arizona, because the weather there is simply not conducive for stalking. Beyond that, I'm entirely too lazy to stalk, though I do keep up with your blog because that only takes a click of my mouse, which, while that takes a bit of an effort, is doable for even lazy people.

Now how am I not supposed to give up our address? Seriously, how cute was that? I was smiling ear-to-ear the day that I got it as I'm smiling ear-to-ear today re-reading it. After that splendid intro she hit me with the deets:

I made your baby girl a lightweight sweater for this fall and winter. I don't know how cold it gets there, but this should be fine for Arizona. Not too warm, but warm enough. It fits up to three months old and is made from lightweight, machine washable (on delicate cycle) wool. I'd lay it flat to dry. The buttons are little roses (of course) inside of hearts, replicas from the 1930s. I'm quite proud of it and I want you to have it. So give me an addy. I figure you probably have a PO for Cysticlife, which is cool, but if not, I promise I'm safe to send a personal address to without you having to sleep at night with one eye open.

Classic Julie, simply classic.

I of course wrote an email to her singing my praises, but sometimes that's just not enough for me. I wanted to make sure others could share in my joy. So here it is, a simple public thank you on my personal blog to a woman that I feel needs to be recognized. THANK YOU SO MUCH JULIE!! Your efforts have not gone unnoticed and I hope that everyone reading can see how much hard work you put into this. Truly amazing.

Without further adieu, please check out the cutest hand knit sweater in the world (and yes, those are heart buttons with little roses on them) :)